Tears

Okay so, I had a very big melt down in the car today. It was not very attractive I can tell you. I don't really know where it came from. I think it has been building for a while and I haven't dealt well with it. Maybe I was meant to break down today but I wish the universe would cut me some slack and let me be for a while. My days have been filled with tension. I need to get over it but I don't know how. I still feel like crying and I can't control it one hundred percent of the time. Only one day left that I have to get through. 

I need to find something lighter to talk about and get my mind away from everything that is happening right now. 

So you know how I have been going through other people's blog and re-reading everything? I don't think this is very healthy. I mean yes, things were going great when I was reading Life in Demisemiquavers but when I got to Crayons Can Melt On Us For All I Care, things started going pear shaped again. I don't blame Clearly Unfocused and her blog writing skills but I think that may have been the tipping point. 

I don't really know what to say anymore as I can feel the tears coming on and I don't really want to be crying at the computer. 

The Re-reading

Hello again munchkins, I know it hasn't been very long since I last blogged (Wednesday to be exact) and you may be wondering 'Yo what's her deal?'. Well, lately or over the past 2 days I have been re-reading everyone's blogs from their first post to their most present. Here are my findings:

I started with the lovely blog of Phantomess. It took me around 2 days to finished it but it was worth it. Since we all started these blogs around the same time it was all mainly focused on our senior year of high school. Now that that is officially over and has been for a good 3 months, I decided to go over everything again and how my closest friends have changed throughout their journey that was last year. Now I must say that Phantomess is the funniest person I know and her blog really shows this. I was reading this in a library and I found it so hard to retain my laughter as she posts "5 non-kinky things to do after dark" and a lovable tale about how her dog only runs on 3 legs when running away from a hool-a-hoop. That was some funny stuff I can tell you. If you ever have a chance re-read it do it. It also showed me what a troubled year she had. I never would have guessed it at the time even though I would read her blog at night and then come to school the next day thinking about it but the thoughts would vanish when I saw her and how bubbly she was. It also gave me a funny insight to how her family worked and how she feels about certain issues such as marriage. Now, Phantomess and I have discussed this regularly about what we want out of a husband and a relationship and how we both want to get married quite young. We also have the same views about what type guy we want to fill this spot. Having someone that close to you makes you feel like you're more than friends but more like sisters or family. I feel as though Phantomess knows how I'm feeling and knows what I want out of life since she shares a lot of the same views. I love her to pieces and never want to give her up as friend or should I say family member :P

Now that I have finished with Life in Demisemiquavers I have moved on to the blog of my oldest friend Clearly Unfocused. I'm about half way through and I shall keep you posted about what I rediscover. 

Continuing on from my post on Wednesday, the rest of the week hasn't actually been that bad. I have given up Facebook like I said I would and believe me when I say that it is one of the best things that I have ever done. It feels wonderful not obsessing over what others are doing. I don't know why I have the thing in the first place. I'm not going to get rid of it but I think a good month or so break is defiantly in order for me to rediscover myself and how I feel about everything. Life was defiantly more stressful when I was on social media but now I have rediscovered my blog and I hope to bring you guys with me throughout this year and share in my discovery's with my friends and also by myself. I finally remember why I started this in the first place. It's wonderful just to write down your thoughts after a long day and then store it and leave it there as though it is part of you. Which of course I know it is I just like writing things down as well instead if bottling them up like I use to. 

I'm watching Harry Potter while writing this and it makes me want to go back to primary school and have my teacher read the books to me and my class again. I'll be back there soon but as the teacher this time and not the student. I must say that it is a relief not to have to go through that again. 

I think that is where I shall be ending it tonight. I want to read some more of the blog of Clearly Unfocused. I hall keep you up to date with my findings. Anyway happy blogging!

Opinions

Hi all, welcome to this new post on the 15-02-12. 

This week (keep in mind that it is only Wednesday) has been a very strange week. You see, over the weekend I visited the beach and it was one of the most relaxing times I have experienced. It was wonderful. It helped me exit reality for the day. But now, now I'm back to reality and I hate it. I mean it's the same always the same but something is different somehow. I just can't put my finger on it. I think my anxiety levels have increased again which they haven't done since early January/late December. I'm on edge and it's only been happening the past 3 days. I'm really not looking forward to the weekend either but I'm trying to tell myself that it's only 2 days then it will be over for 5. But then it comes around again. Another 2 days before 5. I remember feeling similar to this at school in relation to the weekends but not in year 12. More like years 10 through 11. It's like a big endless cycle. But it will stop? Hopefully. Maybe staying off Facebook for a while will help. I'm all for leaving people from school behind but not the ones that are like family. Maybe I need to stop seeing what everyone from school is doing now and just concentrate on myself and my closest friends. That should make things easier right?

Now, onto a more lighter note. Phantomess has now got her license the lucky thing :D I am so proud of her for being the first one in the group plus showing her stupid, rude instructor that she could do it when he said she couldn't. With this brings me to my driving ability. Okay, so I have my learners and I have a considerable amount of hours and I'm ready to take my test (as soon as I finish my hours that is) but the trouble is that my current car, while she is wonderful and I love her heaps, needs a bit of work. Okay a lot of work. She really needs a servicing and new tyres and brakes and all the rest of it but until that happens I have to practice in mums car. Believe me that does not go down well. While she says that she trusts me with driving the fact that I see her gripping the door handle and telling me to slow down or to not do this or that makes it very clear that she doesn't trust me with the car. Funny that. So now I haven't been driving very much because mum doesn't want me to drive my car because it needs work and because "the brakes might fail" and she won't really let me drive her car. What a sticky situation I'm in. 

I don't really know what else to chat about in this blog post. Maybe I've said everything I needed to. Oh! I almost forgot to talk about Valentine's Day. So yesterday was Valentine's Day and no matter where I looked or walked there were women and even girls in school uniform (yes school uniform) carrying flowers (mainly roses) from their boyfriends or partners. Let's just say that I was more than a little bitter about the whole thing.Valentine's Day is the one day where your singleness is pointed out to you. It got worse because then I started seeing people actually doing the exchange of roses and chocolates and bears when they were picking up their significant other up from work. The whole thing was absolutely rubbed in my face then. So I come to ask myself, what is the meaning of this day? Like, what was the very first Valentine's Day all about?Has it changed much since then? Has it just become a big commercial thing and lost it's true meaning? You have to wonder these things don't you? Haven't all holidays come very commercial though? I think they have. Whether that's your opinion or not doesn't bother me but I believe they have all lost meaning. 

I think that's all I've got to say for now. Happy blogging everyone. I think we should blog more, don't you?

Do's and Don'ts

Ok, so after spending the day with the gorgeous Phantomess yesterday, I decided that I should make a list of what i do and don't want in mmmsauce. Ok here it goes. 

Do want: 

- Be at least 3-4 years older (for maturity reasons)

- Be in a stable job or have a career

- Healthy and be heath conscious 

- Not to drink too much

- Non-smoking

- Have money behind him (savings)

- Know what they want out of life (marriage, kids, etc.)

- Have a passion

- Caring

- Considerate of others

- Clean-cut, or just clean in general

Don't Want:

- Be lazy

- Unemployed

- Social drinker

- Unhealthy

- Poor hygiene

- Immature 

- Unshaven 

Wow, these lists make me realise that I actually do have something quite specific in mind and that I have very high standards.It's unnerving to also realise that there are probably more things I want, I just don't know them yet. This isn't very comforting as there is probably a 2% chance that I will actually get what I'm looking for. I don't really want to drop my standards but maybe I should be more open minded about things. But I can't really do that until I sorted myself out first. Hmmm, only time will tell I guess. Stay tuned.  

The SLQ Harem

Well ladies and gentlemen since my breakdown and horribly depressing post yesterday about fears, I have decided to create a wants post. I want a lot of things. I want to move house and neighborhood, I want a new car, I want a good job, I want a good career, I want a routine and I want to have a boyfriend to share everything with and have that partnership I've seen others have. 


Now, to get things started I think I'll skip over the bit about wanting to move and all that because you guys heard all that in the last post. I think I'll move straight onto wanting a new car. You see, I've already got my own car which is something that is coveted by people my age. I love my car, I really do, but she's just getting to that point where everything is starting to need fixing. She's 9 years old this year and they say you should replace your car every 5 or so years and I'm way over that. But I love her and I couldn't bare to give her up. So I'll just have to suck it up because I love her too much. Even though she's not ever fast, has a wonky wheel (which is truly terrifying) and that she constantly smells of petrol. I couldn't sell her. I'm afraid she'll never be treated the way she was treated with me. I think I may just have to fix her and then drive her for a bit longer. Yeah that's what I'll do. Old cars for the win!


Next want: Get a good job. I have wanted this for a while. I want to have a job where I can go everyday and get there at the same time and leave at the same time everyday. I want something in the city so it gives me a good drive in the morning and in the afternoon. I like a good drive. It's nice driving in the morning because everything is fresh from the night before and everybody is just waking up and heading to work just like you are. Then you go to work and have the day all planned out for you and you do the same things everyday. It's a nice feeling. It's like school. Going to the same place at the same time everyday. Getting a job will be wonderful. Now all I can do is keep doing what I'm doing. giving people applications and sending them in. I've already had to turn down two jobs because it wasn't the right time. Well, it's the right time now. 


So, I want a good career. I have changed my career so many times it's driving me crazy. And yet I keep coming back to the one industry: Education. When I was in year 9 I decided that I was going to be a teacher instead of a vet nurse. We all go through the phase of wanting to become a vet and some people are destined to do that but I was just not one of them. So I wanted to be a teacher. Nothing wrong with that. They can get work nation wide as well as some international. But the job security was always something that didn't agree with me. I've heard from one of my best friends that the education industry has a habit of switching people around without much notice. I don't really like that or the fact that in Australia there is a thing called 'Bush Service'. This means that new teachers who have just graduated are preferred to go out into the middle of nowhere for a couple of years and give something back to the community or some crap like that. Then once they've done their service they are able to come back to the city and apply for jobs around the city. Sounds simple enough right? WRONG! There are so many new teachers each year that it is so difficult to find work. That is where the Bush Service came from I'm pretty sure. Nobody quote me on it but I'm pretty sure that's how they got around the whole issue of having no jobs available. So they'll send me into the middle of nowhere and I'll be stuck there without knowing anyone in town or what to do with myself. But I've tried to find other careers but nothing seems to fit as well as teaching does. Oh well, I think I'll just see what this year takes me.


Next: Routine. I haven't had a routine since I graduated from high school almost two months ago. School was school. As I mentioned before, you go there at 8 leave at 3:15. Simple. I think I have finally got myself a routine again and I love it. My routine is that I leave the house at 7am every morning with mum and she drops me off at the Gallery of Modern Art (GoMA) in the city then she goes off to work. This leaves me in the city for the day. When I began my new routine (yesterday) I didn't really know what to do with myself so I just waited until the State Library opened and went in there. Today however, I took a walk along the boardwalk and after that I went back to SLQ and waited until it was opening time. I must say that for a library in Brisbane, heck a library anywhere, the place has a lot of mmmsauce. Now for those of you who don't know what or who mmmsauce is then I can't help you. Mmmsauce just is mmmsauce. Mmmsauce can't be defined because it is unique to everyone. Everyone has different mmmsauce. But since going to SLQ I have found quite a few mmmsauces. None more than today, but the funny thing is that my friends have been there every weekend for years and have told me that there is no mmmsauce in sight. Maybe it's just my lucky days. I hope the trend continues next week . That could be exciting. 


The last thing I want is something that only two other people on this earth with understand. I talking about the other two members of the SWB club better known as the Single Women's Business club. That's right you heard me or read it; whatever. If you want to read aloud that's cool too. Whatever floats your boat. Anyway, it's hard to explain how I'm feeling at the moment towards relationships. While at SLQ today there were all these couples there and they were sharing seats and kissing and leaning towards each other and all I wanted to do was start crying and be all "WHY MUST YOU DO THAT *sob* IN FRONT OF ME LIKE THAT?" yeah that would have gone down well. It's not that I hate it when people show public displays of affection, I just don't like having to see it because I don't have it and I want it. It's kinda unfair but I guess that's just where I am at the moment. I hate it and I don't wish it one anyone but meh. It was going to happen. I guess it doesn't help the situation when I'm going to be seeing my ex-boyfriend this weekend. Adding salt to the wounds I guess you should say. I just had a perfect idea. Someone should write a book about SWB. That would make a great book. Everything we go through, what we feel. How we get together and go to the same cafe with this totally mmmsauce waiter. Stupid mmmsauce. I mean yes totally mmmsuace but still totally out of reach. 


Well that was the wants post. I must say I hope the SLQ harem are back next week. 

The Way It Was Suppose To Be

I believe it's been a week since I've posted in my new blog. So much has changed in a week, QTAC offers have been released, I've seen my friends and I had one of the most emotional breakdowns I believe I've ever had. This week has been both good and bad and I am mentally and physically exhausted from it. After posting the first blog post of the year, I felt lifted. I could feel the weight being lifted off of me. But now it's all come back on again. I can't explain it. Everything has changed in a day and I can't escape from it. I'm trapped, I've cornered myself and I don't know how to break free again. I'm terrified of coming home because of what I might find there and today I did find something and it's not something I want to share but it has total control of me now. This is inanimate thing, it's not even an object, has total control of my every thought and I'm terrified that it will come back. I have no idea when it turned up but the fact that it's here is not something I can forget easily. 


As I began,  last week was the turning point. The point where I would forget about everything that has happened and move on. Just move on and not hold the past and remember things that can't actually harm me. I did what I was suppose to, I applied for jobs and I talked to my friends and it felt right. Then I got a phone call for a job offer and I couldn't be more over the moon but I decided not to take it. I now feel like the biggest idiot. I didn't really want the job, I wanted the money and that's never a good reason to start a job that isn't right for you. But what did feel right was the ability to have money to be able to move away from a neighborhood that I'm terrified of. I know other people will say that there's nothing wrong with it but I feel differently. I can't handle it here anymore. I keep getting anxiety attacks because I'm scared of what's going to happen. I can't predict what's going to happen in every suburb, I know, but I feel I need to get away from this one because of the lack of control I'm feeling. 


Breaking down in the middle of the living room helps. Wailing so loud that the cat is terrified of you helps. And, believe it or not, talking about it helps. I never thought to talk about it with my mother before. I've been keeping the secret of what truly frightens me for 8 years now and I haven't told a soul. Well, it's finally out in the open with my family. I think I didn't tell her because of the humiliation behind it. I was humiliated by what frightened me because it's so ironic at the same time. Ironic because what I love most in this world is also the thing that frightens me. I'm kinda glad that I had a breakdown tonight though. It was coming for so long and I kept fighting it. Whenever I tried to cry it just wouldn't happen. Nothing would happen except for the fact that I became more scared. More scared of the same thing. It's over now though and I'm relieved. Relieved that I found a way through the haze that was fear and I've found a way to gain control again. Finally. 


When the QTAC offers where released yesterday I knew I would get my first preference. I knew I would because most people go straight University rather than having 18 months to make their way there. But that's always part of the journey isn't it? It's the way it's suppose to be sometimes. You can't control everything that happens in your life but you can know that it always happens for a reason. The good and the bad. Meeting up with my friends was good but it always has to end. It was like we'd never been apart for 6 or 7 weeks. That's what it means when you're great friends right? That nothing feels strained or the little awkward moments when someone says 'So.' Nothing like that is suppose to happen and it didn't which was kinda surprising on my part but whatever. 


Things change for good and bad reasons and we just have accept that it was the way it was suppose to be. 

The Year That Was And The Year That Is

This blog was started at the beginning of my senior year of high school. So many things have changed since then. Friendships have come and gone, relationship with people altered, but I must admit my life has just gone downhill. I am as unhappy and as lonely as ever. It's nobody’s fault but my own. I have become more close with a few people that I didn't expect and I'm thrilled about that but then there are those friendships that have faded from my close group of friends and others. 


When I began 2011 I thought it was going to be the best year ever because I was finishing school and all the events that were planned for the year as well as the friends I would be experiencing all of the greatness with. Well, the first day back at school was the major wake up call. They happened to tell us that we would be taken our practice QCS exams that week and we would be marked accordingly. I should have known from that week alone that this year was not what I thought it was going to be. The first term is really a blur to me now. I rarely think about it but I know that if someone asked me if I'd do to again I'd have to say yes. I regret a lot of the things I did and I would change a lot of it. I would make smarter choices and not try to please everyone I knew. I would be true to myself rather than doing something because I thought people would judge me less. No matter what someone does there will always be people there to judge you. It's not fun, but it's a reality. That's the way life goes. 


Term Two. After the first term of year 12 I began to realise that this year of going to be shorter than anything I would have expected. They warned us that time with fly but I didn't believe it to be true. Now I defiantly know that they were right. Around this time I believe I was studying at the local university while still attending high school. What I do remember about this time was being unable to understand what was actually happening. My friendships with people were so upside down that I honestly have no idea how I got through it all. I was helping everyone with what was going on in their lives and when I wanted something they turned it around so they could talk about themselves again. I was continually unaware of the fact that I was being a puppet for people. When they needed me I was there, when they wanted something I was it to them. I wasn't being fair to myself and allowing myself to have something, sometime to myself because I was always helping others. I loved helping certain people however, because they always gave me something in return. They gave their friendship and support and I know that they will always be there for me if I was ever in the same situation they were in. But there were others that couldn't care less about my feelings or how I felt if they did something wrong by me. They only seemed to care about themselves and how they were going to get what they wanted. I know what there was only one person like this and I have said in previous blog posts that I will not say his name so I won't now. But I guess because of what I did for him and the non-existent thanks I got back from him it made me more selective of who I help from now one. But if he asked me to I think I would crumble. I would help him and I would talk to him even though I want to break away from that. I have crumbled already. I've done it and I don't feel its right. I'm going out to lunch with him in a weeks’ time and right now I feel like the biggest idiot for agreeing to it. Why did I have to do that? Moving on.

Term three was by far the most stressful time of my life. The QCS test was coming up as well as formal. Things couldn't be more upside down. As weeks went on and I realised that the exam was only a few days away it suddenly hit me that I have no idea about how to do this exam. None. I knew my friends would be fine because that's just the way they are. They stress like everyone else but I know that they will always be ok. It’s just the way things are. However, I also know that if I don't actually work on things that it doesn't always work out the way I plan. I tried to prepare myself but in the end I really did not do well in this exam and my OP result has suffered in the extreme because of it. If I could do it over then I may have done what was required and not slacked off when I needed to be doing things. It was a mistake and I'm paying for it now because instead of going to uni like a normal person it will now take me 2 years to get through my bridging course in order to get to where I would have been. But things happen for a reason and I know that I'm on the right track to getting the life that I have dreamed about. FORMAL. Just one word says it all. That was the one event that I was waiting for the whole time I have been that the school. Mind you I started there in 2005 and finished in 2011. That is a long time to wait for one event to occur. But, it was fabulous. My dear friends who worked so hard to it to happen did a wonderful job and nothing could top it. It was defiantly the highlight of my year. 

The last term of my high school career was filled with many ups and downs. I was thrilled to have days at the beach and theme parks just to have time with my friends but then there was the down side. It was the last time I will ever be with my grade as a whole. I loved my grade, every one of them. It was upsetting to see everyone leave the campus for the last time as high school students but that's the way it has to be. Graduation was hard as I couldn't stop crying all throughout the ceremony at the Junior Campus. That was very unexpected as I thought there wasn't make emotional attachment to that place. I now realise that that is the place where I grew up and had some of my greatest memories. That's the place I met my best friends and that is the place that will always be special to me. But we have to let things go and come to an end. 

Looking back over the past year and looking ahead to the future I can honestly say I'm scared. I know that I've already lost people that I thought I would talk to all the time, I've got my results and I know that there is nothing I can do to change them and I know what it means to be 17. It means loving and losing people, getting into fights with your parents over the stupidest things and it means to make mistakes. Making mistakes is what it means to be human. If nobody made mistakes then life would be extremely dull and nothing would ever happen. I feel as though my life is wasting away and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I need to go to uni, I need to find a job and I need to fall in love. That's what I want that this moment in time. Uni, job and love. Is it really all that hard? Of course the Single Women’s Business club know how I feel about the last part but I can't stop wanting it. It's always there nagging at me. Hopefully my life will be led in a direction that will find me what I'm looking for. Hopefully. 

Things are going to be different this year. I'm going to be honest about who I am as a person and what I want. I'm no longer 17 so this is a new year and a new journey.