This blog was started at the beginning of my senior year of high school. So many things have changed since then. Friendships have come and gone, relationship with people altered, but I must admit my life has just gone downhill. I am as unhappy and as lonely as ever. It's nobody’s fault but my own. I have become more close with a few people that I didn't expect and I'm thrilled about that but then there are those friendships that have faded from my close group of friends and others.
When I began 2011 I thought it was going to be the best year ever because I was finishing school and all the events that were planned for the year as well as the friends I would be experiencing all of the greatness with. Well, the first day back at school was the major wake up call. They happened to tell us that we would be taken our practice QCS exams that week and we would be marked accordingly. I should have known from that week alone that this year was not what I thought it was going to be. The first term is really a blur to me now. I rarely think about it but I know that if someone asked me if I'd do to again I'd have to say yes. I regret a lot of the things I did and I would change a lot of it. I would make smarter choices and not try to please everyone I knew. I would be true to myself rather than doing something because I thought people would judge me less. No matter what someone does there will always be people there to judge you. It's not fun, but it's a reality. That's the way life goes.
Term Two. After the first term of year 12 I began to realise that this year of going to be shorter than anything I would have expected. They warned us that time with fly but I didn't believe it to be true. Now I defiantly know that they were right. Around this time I believe I was studying at the local university while still attending high school. What I do remember about this time was being unable to understand what was actually happening. My friendships with people were so upside down that I honestly have no idea how I got through it all. I was helping everyone with what was going on in their lives and when I wanted something they turned it around so they could talk about themselves again. I was continually unaware of the fact that I was being a puppet for people. When they needed me I was there, when they wanted something I was it to them. I wasn't being fair to myself and allowing myself to have something, sometime to myself because I was always helping others. I loved helping certain people however, because they always gave me something in return. They gave their friendship and support and I know that they will always be there for me if I was ever in the same situation they were in. But there were others that couldn't care less about my feelings or how I felt if they did something wrong by me. They only seemed to care about themselves and how they were going to get what they wanted. I know what there was only one person like this and I have said in previous blog posts that I will not say his name so I won't now. But I guess because of what I did for him and the non-existent thanks I got back from him it made me more selective of who I help from now one. But if he asked me to I think I would crumble. I would help him and I would talk to him even though I want to break away from that. I have crumbled already. I've done it and I don't feel its right. I'm going out to lunch with him in a weeks’ time and right now I feel like the biggest idiot for agreeing to it. Why did I have to do that? Moving on.
When I began 2011 I thought it was going to be the best year ever because I was finishing school and all the events that were planned for the year as well as the friends I would be experiencing all of the greatness with. Well, the first day back at school was the major wake up call. They happened to tell us that we would be taken our practice QCS exams that week and we would be marked accordingly. I should have known from that week alone that this year was not what I thought it was going to be. The first term is really a blur to me now. I rarely think about it but I know that if someone asked me if I'd do to again I'd have to say yes. I regret a lot of the things I did and I would change a lot of it. I would make smarter choices and not try to please everyone I knew. I would be true to myself rather than doing something because I thought people would judge me less. No matter what someone does there will always be people there to judge you. It's not fun, but it's a reality. That's the way life goes.
Term Two. After the first term of year 12 I began to realise that this year of going to be shorter than anything I would have expected. They warned us that time with fly but I didn't believe it to be true. Now I defiantly know that they were right. Around this time I believe I was studying at the local university while still attending high school. What I do remember about this time was being unable to understand what was actually happening. My friendships with people were so upside down that I honestly have no idea how I got through it all. I was helping everyone with what was going on in their lives and when I wanted something they turned it around so they could talk about themselves again. I was continually unaware of the fact that I was being a puppet for people. When they needed me I was there, when they wanted something I was it to them. I wasn't being fair to myself and allowing myself to have something, sometime to myself because I was always helping others. I loved helping certain people however, because they always gave me something in return. They gave their friendship and support and I know that they will always be there for me if I was ever in the same situation they were in. But there were others that couldn't care less about my feelings or how I felt if they did something wrong by me. They only seemed to care about themselves and how they were going to get what they wanted. I know what there was only one person like this and I have said in previous blog posts that I will not say his name so I won't now. But I guess because of what I did for him and the non-existent thanks I got back from him it made me more selective of who I help from now one. But if he asked me to I think I would crumble. I would help him and I would talk to him even though I want to break away from that. I have crumbled already. I've done it and I don't feel its right. I'm going out to lunch with him in a weeks’ time and right now I feel like the biggest idiot for agreeing to it. Why did I have to do that? Moving on.
Term three was by far the most stressful time of my life. The QCS test was coming up as well as formal. Things couldn't be more upside down. As weeks went on and I realised that the exam was only a few days away it suddenly hit me that I have no idea about how to do this exam. None. I knew my friends would be fine because that's just the way they are. They stress like everyone else but I know that they will always be ok. It’s just the way things are. However, I also know that if I don't actually work on things that it doesn't always work out the way I plan. I tried to prepare myself but in the end I really did not do well in this exam and my OP result has suffered in the extreme because of it. If I could do it over then I may have done what was required and not slacked off when I needed to be doing things. It was a mistake and I'm paying for it now because instead of going to uni like a normal person it will now take me 2 years to get through my bridging course in order to get to where I would have been. But things happen for a reason and I know that I'm on the right track to getting the life that I have dreamed about. FORMAL. Just one word says it all. That was the one event that I was waiting for the whole time I have been that the school. Mind you I started there in 2005 and finished in 2011. That is a long time to wait for one event to occur. But, it was fabulous. My dear friends who worked so hard to it to happen did a wonderful job and nothing could top it. It was defiantly the highlight of my year.
The last term of my high school career was filled with many ups and downs. I was thrilled to have days at the beach and theme parks just to have time with my friends but then there was the down side. It was the last time I will ever be with my grade as a whole. I loved my grade, every one of them. It was upsetting to see everyone leave the campus for the last time as high school students but that's the way it has to be. Graduation was hard as I couldn't stop crying all throughout the ceremony at the Junior Campus. That was very unexpected as I thought there wasn't make emotional attachment to that place. I now realise that that is the place where I grew up and had some of my greatest memories. That's the place I met my best friends and that is the place that will always be special to me. But we have to let things go and come to an end.
Looking back over the past year and looking ahead to the future I can honestly say I'm scared. I know that I've already lost people that I thought I would talk to all the time, I've got my results and I know that there is nothing I can do to change them and I know what it means to be 17. It means loving and losing people, getting into fights with your parents over the stupidest things and it means to make mistakes. Making mistakes is what it means to be human. If nobody made mistakes then life would be extremely dull and nothing would ever happen. I feel as though my life is wasting away and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I need to go to uni, I need to find a job and I need to fall in love. That's what I want that this moment in time. Uni, job and love. Is it really all that hard? Of course the Single Women’s Business club know how I feel about the last part but I can't stop wanting it. It's always there nagging at me. Hopefully my life will be led in a direction that will find me what I'm looking for. Hopefully.
Things are going to be different this year. I'm going to be honest about who I am as a person and what I want. I'm no longer 17 so this is a new year and a new journey.
Wow, this was really poignant. I probably sound like a total ass for talking about writing style on a post like this, but, waaaah your style is just so beautiful and honest here! I know how up-down highschool has been for you, but having seen a bit more of the world outside our little bubble now, I can honestly say that I think you are going to achieve great things in life. So much success in life comes from the most adverse of situations. There is such a big world! Go out and seize your new journey :D
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard not to worry, I am the most worry-ful person I know, but you need to trust that everything has happened for a reason. You know the things you didn't like about 2011 and you can't change them, but you can learn from them and make 2012 better and, even if it takes longer than you want, you can become the person you want to be. And, I'll totally be there with you to help :)
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