I believe it's been a week since I've posted in my new blog. So much has changed in a week, QTAC offers have been released, I've seen my friends and I had one of the most emotional breakdowns I believe I've ever had. This week has been both good and bad and I am mentally and physically exhausted from it. After posting the first blog post of the year, I felt lifted. I could feel the weight being lifted off of me. But now it's all come back on again. I can't explain it. Everything has changed in a day and I can't escape from it. I'm trapped, I've cornered myself and I don't know how to break free again. I'm terrified of coming home because of what I might find there and today I did find something and it's not something I want to share but it has total control of me now. This is inanimate thing, it's not even an object, has total control of my every thought and I'm terrified that it will come back. I have no idea when it turned up but the fact that it's here is not something I can forget easily.
As I began, last week was the turning point. The point where I would forget about everything that has happened and move on. Just move on and not hold the past and remember things that can't actually harm me. I did what I was suppose to, I applied for jobs and I talked to my friends and it felt right. Then I got a phone call for a job offer and I couldn't be more over the moon but I decided not to take it. I now feel like the biggest idiot. I didn't really want the job, I wanted the money and that's never a good reason to start a job that isn't right for you. But what did feel right was the ability to have money to be able to move away from a neighborhood that I'm terrified of. I know other people will say that there's nothing wrong with it but I feel differently. I can't handle it here anymore. I keep getting anxiety attacks because I'm scared of what's going to happen. I can't predict what's going to happen in every suburb, I know, but I feel I need to get away from this one because of the lack of control I'm feeling.
Breaking down in the middle of the living room helps. Wailing so loud that the cat is terrified of you helps. And, believe it or not, talking about it helps. I never thought to talk about it with my mother before. I've been keeping the secret of what truly frightens me for 8 years now and I haven't told a soul. Well, it's finally out in the open with my family. I think I didn't tell her because of the humiliation behind it. I was humiliated by what frightened me because it's so ironic at the same time. Ironic because what I love most in this world is also the thing that frightens me. I'm kinda glad that I had a breakdown tonight though. It was coming for so long and I kept fighting it. Whenever I tried to cry it just wouldn't happen. Nothing would happen except for the fact that I became more scared. More scared of the same thing. It's over now though and I'm relieved. Relieved that I found a way through the haze that was fear and I've found a way to gain control again. Finally.
When the QTAC offers where released yesterday I knew I would get my first preference. I knew I would because most people go straight University rather than having 18 months to make their way there. But that's always part of the journey isn't it? It's the way it's suppose to be sometimes. You can't control everything that happens in your life but you can know that it always happens for a reason. The good and the bad. Meeting up with my friends was good but it always has to end. It was like we'd never been apart for 6 or 7 weeks. That's what it means when you're great friends right? That nothing feels strained or the little awkward moments when someone says 'So.' Nothing like that is suppose to happen and it didn't which was kinda surprising on my part but whatever.
Things change for good and bad reasons and we just have accept that it was the way it was suppose to be.
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