Life Sorter

I keep reading over my own title thinking it says Life Shorter. Don't worry guys my life isn't getting shorter, or maybe it is and I just don't know. Anyway, I am currently sorting out my life and of course you guys know that if you've read my last billion blog posts not that I've posted that many *cough* moving on! So, as you all know I trying to work out what's right and what's not right. So this is what I've done since I finished school in November last year:

1. Got accepted into uni

2. Deferred Uni offer for 6 months

3. Started looking for work

4. Changed my mind and wanted to accept uni offer but was too late to do so

5. Started online course while I waited

6. Almost finish first subject when realised that I didn't have the software to complete it

7. Didn't bother with course anymore

8. Changed my mind about what course I wanted to do and looked into starting new one

9. Got heaps of job interviews but rejected the jobs for some stupid reason

10. Stopped looking for work

11. Started looking into uni again

12. Looked at the uni all of my friends are at and want to go there

13. Figured out I could get accepted into there but have to wait until semester one

14. Stopped studying all together

15. Did nothing at the library except read magazines and play games on my phone

16. Met up with friend who is currently going to Uni and didn't like what I heard about it so decided to look for work again

17. This is where I'm at today

This has all been a bit of a nightmare. Put on top of that depression and multiple breakdowns because of it and you'll find me at the end of that long confusing road. 

I have a habit of looking at where other people are in their lives and comparing them to myself. I must say that this isn't very healthy of me to do. I look at the people who didn't get OP's from school and I must say that are doing a hell of a lot better than those people who got accepted into Uni. I got one of the worst OP's imaginable. I think only one kid got worse than me possibly and all the ones that have horrible OP's or don't have them at all are doing really well. The ones with OP's, good OP's well they have no money, no jobs and have to have Hex debts to pay for their studies. That life doesn't look so glamorous to me. I'm no different to them though since I have no money, no job. I've tried Uni during year 12 and I must say that it wasn't the greatest. It was stressful, the work was horrible and the people weren't very encouraging. I don't really think I fit in with my friends who are going to Uni and who are academic people while I'm the total opposite. I hated school, I was always last minute with all my work and I wanted nothing to do with the teachers. It doesn't make sense for me to be hanging around people like that. I don't like it, I'm sure they probably don't either. I don't like it for the fact that I feel they think they're above me because they're at University and they're having all these 'experiences'. I want nothing to do with it. So, for people who are like that, I'll be your friend but I don't want to hear about your amazing Uni life okay. I just don't! It's not my life and I want nothing to do with it. 

That was something that has been building for quite a while and I kinda got tipped over the edge yesterday when a really good friend of mine who I thought I was spending the day with ditched me after an hour and a half for one of her Uni friends. Yeah, thanks a lot. Let's just say that I didn't appreciate it. It was kinda awkward between us anyway like we were totally different people and haven't been friends for 5+ years. There was a lot of silence. 

So, coming back on topic of sorting out my life I'm going to get a job. A very good job that pays well (none of this by the hour crap) and have an actually income and meet mew friends there. I defiantly need new friends, friends who are up to the same things in their lives as I am in mine. My current friends aren't. They're still in teenage mode whilst I'm in 20s mode. It's amazing how things change in a few short months. I'm glad I've made these changes. I'm glad I'm moving forward and dropping high school and all it's contents behind me. It's like a snake removing it's skin. I'm finally shedding all of high school away from me and leaving it where it need to be. I'll never look back. Only forward from now on. Good luck me. I wish you well through this journey alone. 

The Week That Was

I think I may start doing these every week. They seem interesting, not that you guys are actually going to read this and think 'Oh, this is interesting'. No, but whatever. It's my blog and I'll blog about whatever I want to. 

So the week that was. The week was very dull. Nothing happen. Nothing. Phantomess did come and visit me twice but we catch up every week so it was nothing special. Everybody started University this week. Nothing exciting there either as I was not the one who was starting Uni. I am currently in what I call Limbo. I'm not doing anything with my life at the moment. Nothing. It's kind of driving me crazy because I'm not going anywhere. Either everybody is making new friends or getting boyfriends or starting Uni or getting a new job and what am I doing? I'm sitting at a Library all day playing games on my phone and reading magazines. That's all I'm doing with my life. I have no new friends and I certainly don't have a boyfriend. I have ambition. I have heaps of ambition. But nothing is helping me achieve what I want to. 

As for my friends having new friends, well, let's just say that I feel like I've been pushed aside because of it. Maybe I'm just jealous because they're in a better place than I am or maybe it's because they actually have friends while I have zero. I like having friends, I'm actually quite the people pleaser but I don't like having other people's issues on top of me. I here to help but I hate it when once I've helped them they just ditch me and go off and now I'm left with this thing, this problem weighing me down. You can tell when this is happening too, I go silent and not talk, I become fidgety or when I'm by myself again I have a little breakdown or 'freakout'. None of this is right but, as I said I'm a people pleaser and I will always help people with their problems. Maybe I'm better off without friends. Hmmm, I've never really thought about being a loner. It would make things more stable but I would have no fun or laughter in my life. It's a tough thing cutting off all old friends. I haven't made a decision yet, I don't want to but I have to think of what's best for me and for my stability. 

I'm getting a job. Work would be good for me actually what with the hours, the money. A job would give me the stability that I'm seeking but haven't found yet.Yeah, I think this is the way to go. 

Train stations: I see the most random people there. Like a couple of days ago I ran into one of my old friends at the station. We weren't particularly close but  (lets call him BG just because they're his initials) BG and I had a good chat and caught each other up to what we were doing with ourselves these days. He actually ditched this lady from his class that was talking to him. Well, maybe ditched is the wrong word, ran away from is probably a better fit for what he did. Plus we had a laugh on the train when a kid almost fell onto his lap. That priceless moment of his facial expression, I will never forget it.  I also ran into someone else I knew today. He and I went to primary school together and I'll call him MP because again, they are his initials. I didn't even know it was MP until he and I were both going for the train door at the same time and I almost trip over the guy. Embarrassed, I look up and to my horror it's MP. Awkward much? So, I bet you're thinking "how is this awkward?".Well, he and I kinda had a thing but then I moved to a different school and didn't see each other for about 5ish years. Now I bet you understand why it's awkward and if not well, IT WAS AWKWARD!!!!!!!!! 

Moving on. I still haven't got to The Week That Was but I kinda have as this all happened throughout my week. My week has been both good and bad. Most of my weeks seem to float into this direction of being both good and bad. I can't have a solid good week but I can have a okay week, a bad week, a meh week or a good and bad week. It was good because I'm slowly working out what's good for me and what's not and I'm working out how things are working within my life. It was bad because I still have to go through the pain of what works for me and what doesn't. Its bad because I usually find out late that things are bad for me and they have usually done their damage once I've realised. 

So, the week that was. Enjoy yourself reading it since it's not very thrilling. 

The Week That Was

Hi all, hope you are all enjoying this wet weather as much as I am. :D Though, of course I understand that not everyone lives where I live and that does mean that not everyone will be experiencing the same weather but don't get technical with me.


This post is to outline the week that has just been, well-duh, and so I shall tell you. 


Monday: Monday was off to a bit of a shaky start. I just did the usual, actually no I didn't. I went somewhere new actually compared to my usual place of going (it's the library, not really that secretive). I think this is what screwed everything up for me and made everything different. Well, I defiantly learnt from that and I won't be doing that again I can tell you. 


Tuesday: Tuesday was so much better as I knew what I was doing today. I was going to my usual spot at my usual time and later that day I was being joined by Phantomess to have a girly afternoon. That was exactly what I needed I think, just to have that time with someone rather than being by myself. We mainly went in search of Disney Princess movies. The classics I mean not any of this new stuff. We didn't have much luck but did we managed to find a Beatrix Potter collection and found out that as shameful as it is, we both like watching The Hills. Shame Shame Shame. Anyway, moving on. I can't really remember what else we did apart from look at clothes and shoes. The shoe thing has defiantly become our thing since whenever we are together we try on so many different pairs of shoes that the assistants must know us by now and know that we're not going to buy anything. Well, that's not true since Phantomess has bought one pair of shoes while with me and may I say they did look amazing on her. 


Wednesday: I must admit that Tuesday was really hard to top and I defiantly didn't top it as I was back to being a loner. I've started people watching again. I find it really interesting because you see so many different people from all these different backgrounds and you never know what they might do. I'm not being creepy or anything. Not stalking or anything along those lines. Get your mind out of the gutter people!


Thursday: Now there's a guy at the library that I go to that's there whenever I'm there but he leaves before me. He's not creepy, he's just a guy in his mid-late 20s whose always at the library and who couldn't possibly have a job unless he works nights. Now, I always like to get this particular table and because we're always there at the same time he knows it's my table. He also has a table that he prefers and he often doesn't get it because he's always late and someone else has taken it. It's actually quite funny to watch because he's often left with the worst table and without a power point for his laptop. On this particular day however, he decided because his table was already gone he could go and steal my seat because I was running late for once. Oh this was not a good idea and he knew it. When I did get there a total of 15 minutes later and I saw that he had stolen my seat, I was so mad. I had no other choice but to go to the worst table and set up camp there until he moved. When he heard me pull out my chair and turned to look who it was, what he saw was truly frightening as his eyes bulged and he quickly turned back to his computer screen. He should have been scared. He stole my seat. It's the only one that's on it's own and that has a power point next to it. As a couple of hours went by things began to become more intense as I kept looking out the window and he kept looking over his shoulder to see what I was doing. After another hour he asked if I really wanted the seat for the power point and I said that it was fine for now. He left shortly afterward and I got my seat so all was well in the end. I just want to see what happens on Monday :P. 


Friday: Friday was mums day off so that meant that I wasn't going anywhere fast. It meant staying home for most of the day and I wasn't that happy about it and she knew. We did go out in the afternoon though so all was not lost. 


Saturday: And now we have come to the day that is today. Today wasn't THAT bad but it defiantly didn't start great. I wasn't happy because our plans had changed. Well, they hadn't changed that much but I still wasn't happy about it seeing as they changed from what we planned the day before. Here's hoping tomorrow will be worry free and have no drama like today did. 


I must say though that today's weather has been really annoying but good at the same time. This morning it was cloudy and it looked like it was going to rain, then it was sunny and the clouds were clearing, the it was raining, then sunny again and so on. It wasn't until we went out did the weather change for the better. I must say that I absolutely hate it when Mother Nature doesn't know what she's doing. I prefer it to be completely sunny or raining all day. None of this in between business and not knowing if it's rainy or sunny. It has been raining all afternoon and hopefully it will continue for the rest of the night. That would be the best thing. 


This coming week will mark the first week of University for my friends. I'm excited for them and I'm excited about the fact that I will be joining them at the campus that they are attending next year. I think it's better that I'm a year behind them because then I'll have people there who will know what they're doing and that can help me with my timetabling and where everything is because I know I'll get lost on such a big campus. I would like to say good luck everyone for this week and I hope that your courses are everything you want them to be. 


That was the week that was and this is me signing off. Have a wonderful week everyone!

Note to Self

So, yesterday after the whole breakdown thing the day before, mum decided I needed to go to the beach for some relaxation. It felt wonderful and I was all chilled and relaxed and when we got home everything felt fine and then this morning everything was fine as well then something clicked again this afternoon. I can't explain it but lit's like flicking a switch and I change automatically. I need to find a way to get over this anxiety and get over it fast because it is over powering me at the moment and I don't know how long I can keep my head above water. 

Tears

Okay so, I had a very big melt down in the car today. It was not very attractive I can tell you. I don't really know where it came from. I think it has been building for a while and I haven't dealt well with it. Maybe I was meant to break down today but I wish the universe would cut me some slack and let me be for a while. My days have been filled with tension. I need to get over it but I don't know how. I still feel like crying and I can't control it one hundred percent of the time. Only one day left that I have to get through. 

I need to find something lighter to talk about and get my mind away from everything that is happening right now. 

So you know how I have been going through other people's blog and re-reading everything? I don't think this is very healthy. I mean yes, things were going great when I was reading Life in Demisemiquavers but when I got to Crayons Can Melt On Us For All I Care, things started going pear shaped again. I don't blame Clearly Unfocused and her blog writing skills but I think that may have been the tipping point. 

I don't really know what to say anymore as I can feel the tears coming on and I don't really want to be crying at the computer. 

The Re-reading

Hello again munchkins, I know it hasn't been very long since I last blogged (Wednesday to be exact) and you may be wondering 'Yo what's her deal?'. Well, lately or over the past 2 days I have been re-reading everyone's blogs from their first post to their most present. Here are my findings:

I started with the lovely blog of Phantomess. It took me around 2 days to finished it but it was worth it. Since we all started these blogs around the same time it was all mainly focused on our senior year of high school. Now that that is officially over and has been for a good 3 months, I decided to go over everything again and how my closest friends have changed throughout their journey that was last year. Now I must say that Phantomess is the funniest person I know and her blog really shows this. I was reading this in a library and I found it so hard to retain my laughter as she posts "5 non-kinky things to do after dark" and a lovable tale about how her dog only runs on 3 legs when running away from a hool-a-hoop. That was some funny stuff I can tell you. If you ever have a chance re-read it do it. It also showed me what a troubled year she had. I never would have guessed it at the time even though I would read her blog at night and then come to school the next day thinking about it but the thoughts would vanish when I saw her and how bubbly she was. It also gave me a funny insight to how her family worked and how she feels about certain issues such as marriage. Now, Phantomess and I have discussed this regularly about what we want out of a husband and a relationship and how we both want to get married quite young. We also have the same views about what type guy we want to fill this spot. Having someone that close to you makes you feel like you're more than friends but more like sisters or family. I feel as though Phantomess knows how I'm feeling and knows what I want out of life since she shares a lot of the same views. I love her to pieces and never want to give her up as friend or should I say family member :P

Now that I have finished with Life in Demisemiquavers I have moved on to the blog of my oldest friend Clearly Unfocused. I'm about half way through and I shall keep you posted about what I rediscover. 

Continuing on from my post on Wednesday, the rest of the week hasn't actually been that bad. I have given up Facebook like I said I would and believe me when I say that it is one of the best things that I have ever done. It feels wonderful not obsessing over what others are doing. I don't know why I have the thing in the first place. I'm not going to get rid of it but I think a good month or so break is defiantly in order for me to rediscover myself and how I feel about everything. Life was defiantly more stressful when I was on social media but now I have rediscovered my blog and I hope to bring you guys with me throughout this year and share in my discovery's with my friends and also by myself. I finally remember why I started this in the first place. It's wonderful just to write down your thoughts after a long day and then store it and leave it there as though it is part of you. Which of course I know it is I just like writing things down as well instead if bottling them up like I use to. 

I'm watching Harry Potter while writing this and it makes me want to go back to primary school and have my teacher read the books to me and my class again. I'll be back there soon but as the teacher this time and not the student. I must say that it is a relief not to have to go through that again. 

I think that is where I shall be ending it tonight. I want to read some more of the blog of Clearly Unfocused. I hall keep you up to date with my findings. Anyway happy blogging!

Opinions

Hi all, welcome to this new post on the 15-02-12. 

This week (keep in mind that it is only Wednesday) has been a very strange week. You see, over the weekend I visited the beach and it was one of the most relaxing times I have experienced. It was wonderful. It helped me exit reality for the day. But now, now I'm back to reality and I hate it. I mean it's the same always the same but something is different somehow. I just can't put my finger on it. I think my anxiety levels have increased again which they haven't done since early January/late December. I'm on edge and it's only been happening the past 3 days. I'm really not looking forward to the weekend either but I'm trying to tell myself that it's only 2 days then it will be over for 5. But then it comes around again. Another 2 days before 5. I remember feeling similar to this at school in relation to the weekends but not in year 12. More like years 10 through 11. It's like a big endless cycle. But it will stop? Hopefully. Maybe staying off Facebook for a while will help. I'm all for leaving people from school behind but not the ones that are like family. Maybe I need to stop seeing what everyone from school is doing now and just concentrate on myself and my closest friends. That should make things easier right?

Now, onto a more lighter note. Phantomess has now got her license the lucky thing :D I am so proud of her for being the first one in the group plus showing her stupid, rude instructor that she could do it when he said she couldn't. With this brings me to my driving ability. Okay, so I have my learners and I have a considerable amount of hours and I'm ready to take my test (as soon as I finish my hours that is) but the trouble is that my current car, while she is wonderful and I love her heaps, needs a bit of work. Okay a lot of work. She really needs a servicing and new tyres and brakes and all the rest of it but until that happens I have to practice in mums car. Believe me that does not go down well. While she says that she trusts me with driving the fact that I see her gripping the door handle and telling me to slow down or to not do this or that makes it very clear that she doesn't trust me with the car. Funny that. So now I haven't been driving very much because mum doesn't want me to drive my car because it needs work and because "the brakes might fail" and she won't really let me drive her car. What a sticky situation I'm in. 

I don't really know what else to chat about in this blog post. Maybe I've said everything I needed to. Oh! I almost forgot to talk about Valentine's Day. So yesterday was Valentine's Day and no matter where I looked or walked there were women and even girls in school uniform (yes school uniform) carrying flowers (mainly roses) from their boyfriends or partners. Let's just say that I was more than a little bitter about the whole thing.Valentine's Day is the one day where your singleness is pointed out to you. It got worse because then I started seeing people actually doing the exchange of roses and chocolates and bears when they were picking up their significant other up from work. The whole thing was absolutely rubbed in my face then. So I come to ask myself, what is the meaning of this day? Like, what was the very first Valentine's Day all about?Has it changed much since then? Has it just become a big commercial thing and lost it's true meaning? You have to wonder these things don't you? Haven't all holidays come very commercial though? I think they have. Whether that's your opinion or not doesn't bother me but I believe they have all lost meaning. 

I think that's all I've got to say for now. Happy blogging everyone. I think we should blog more, don't you?