The Year That Was And The Year That Is

This blog was started at the beginning of my senior year of high school. So many things have changed since then. Friendships have come and gone, relationship with people altered, but I must admit my life has just gone downhill. I am as unhappy and as lonely as ever. It's nobody’s fault but my own. I have become more close with a few people that I didn't expect and I'm thrilled about that but then there are those friendships that have faded from my close group of friends and others. 


When I began 2011 I thought it was going to be the best year ever because I was finishing school and all the events that were planned for the year as well as the friends I would be experiencing all of the greatness with. Well, the first day back at school was the major wake up call. They happened to tell us that we would be taken our practice QCS exams that week and we would be marked accordingly. I should have known from that week alone that this year was not what I thought it was going to be. The first term is really a blur to me now. I rarely think about it but I know that if someone asked me if I'd do to again I'd have to say yes. I regret a lot of the things I did and I would change a lot of it. I would make smarter choices and not try to please everyone I knew. I would be true to myself rather than doing something because I thought people would judge me less. No matter what someone does there will always be people there to judge you. It's not fun, but it's a reality. That's the way life goes. 


Term Two. After the first term of year 12 I began to realise that this year of going to be shorter than anything I would have expected. They warned us that time with fly but I didn't believe it to be true. Now I defiantly know that they were right. Around this time I believe I was studying at the local university while still attending high school. What I do remember about this time was being unable to understand what was actually happening. My friendships with people were so upside down that I honestly have no idea how I got through it all. I was helping everyone with what was going on in their lives and when I wanted something they turned it around so they could talk about themselves again. I was continually unaware of the fact that I was being a puppet for people. When they needed me I was there, when they wanted something I was it to them. I wasn't being fair to myself and allowing myself to have something, sometime to myself because I was always helping others. I loved helping certain people however, because they always gave me something in return. They gave their friendship and support and I know that they will always be there for me if I was ever in the same situation they were in. But there were others that couldn't care less about my feelings or how I felt if they did something wrong by me. They only seemed to care about themselves and how they were going to get what they wanted. I know what there was only one person like this and I have said in previous blog posts that I will not say his name so I won't now. But I guess because of what I did for him and the non-existent thanks I got back from him it made me more selective of who I help from now one. But if he asked me to I think I would crumble. I would help him and I would talk to him even though I want to break away from that. I have crumbled already. I've done it and I don't feel its right. I'm going out to lunch with him in a weeks’ time and right now I feel like the biggest idiot for agreeing to it. Why did I have to do that? Moving on.

Term three was by far the most stressful time of my life. The QCS test was coming up as well as formal. Things couldn't be more upside down. As weeks went on and I realised that the exam was only a few days away it suddenly hit me that I have no idea about how to do this exam. None. I knew my friends would be fine because that's just the way they are. They stress like everyone else but I know that they will always be ok. It’s just the way things are. However, I also know that if I don't actually work on things that it doesn't always work out the way I plan. I tried to prepare myself but in the end I really did not do well in this exam and my OP result has suffered in the extreme because of it. If I could do it over then I may have done what was required and not slacked off when I needed to be doing things. It was a mistake and I'm paying for it now because instead of going to uni like a normal person it will now take me 2 years to get through my bridging course in order to get to where I would have been. But things happen for a reason and I know that I'm on the right track to getting the life that I have dreamed about. FORMAL. Just one word says it all. That was the one event that I was waiting for the whole time I have been that the school. Mind you I started there in 2005 and finished in 2011. That is a long time to wait for one event to occur. But, it was fabulous. My dear friends who worked so hard to it to happen did a wonderful job and nothing could top it. It was defiantly the highlight of my year. 

The last term of my high school career was filled with many ups and downs. I was thrilled to have days at the beach and theme parks just to have time with my friends but then there was the down side. It was the last time I will ever be with my grade as a whole. I loved my grade, every one of them. It was upsetting to see everyone leave the campus for the last time as high school students but that's the way it has to be. Graduation was hard as I couldn't stop crying all throughout the ceremony at the Junior Campus. That was very unexpected as I thought there wasn't make emotional attachment to that place. I now realise that that is the place where I grew up and had some of my greatest memories. That's the place I met my best friends and that is the place that will always be special to me. But we have to let things go and come to an end. 

Looking back over the past year and looking ahead to the future I can honestly say I'm scared. I know that I've already lost people that I thought I would talk to all the time, I've got my results and I know that there is nothing I can do to change them and I know what it means to be 17. It means loving and losing people, getting into fights with your parents over the stupidest things and it means to make mistakes. Making mistakes is what it means to be human. If nobody made mistakes then life would be extremely dull and nothing would ever happen. I feel as though my life is wasting away and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I need to go to uni, I need to find a job and I need to fall in love. That's what I want that this moment in time. Uni, job and love. Is it really all that hard? Of course the Single Women’s Business club know how I feel about the last part but I can't stop wanting it. It's always there nagging at me. Hopefully my life will be led in a direction that will find me what I'm looking for. Hopefully. 

Things are going to be different this year. I'm going to be honest about who I am as a person and what I want. I'm no longer 17 so this is a new year and a new journey.  

The Awkward Moment Jo Touches Your Boob

Well hello there. I haven't blogged in a while and my friends and I said that we would all blog tonight so that we can say that we have.

So as you are aware or not whatever, I have been stuggling to make a decision about what to do for next year. Several things keep going around in my mind like should I study or should I work...I had no idea until I thought about how people always say that you should do something that you're passionate about. I thought about this and it really made me think about what I was passionate about. My first thought was that I wasn't passionate about anything but that wasn't very true.

I have always had a love for cars. Ever since I was little I've always known every make and model of car on the road as well as the size of it's engine and how fast it would be able to go. I've always known that sort of thing ever since I was about 4 years old. This is what I'm passonate about. All of my free time is wasted on car sites and I'm always looking at cars that are for sale. I'm continually retaining information about them and researching everything to do with them. I know that it is very unsteroetypical for a girl to know those sorts of things but I've grown up around cars and have always had a secret love for them.

It also kinda annoys me when people can't tell the difference between cars. There are some people I know that can't even tell the different between a hatch and a sedan. I mean come on people it's not that hard. I believe that I would be good at doing something in the automotive industry because I've grown up around it and I have that love and passion for it. Some say that if you have that passion than you are able to do anything you wanted. Oh how I hope this is true. If you love something that much then surely you'll be able to do something in relation to it. Otherwise there's reslly not much hope for anyone. Everyone has a passion, some might think it's weird that people have a love and passion for sport to vise versa about grades and things like that. Everyone's different, we should all accept people for who they are.

I've been thinking this way for a couple of years now but I just haven't said anything about it to anyone except my mum. So when I mentioned it to some of my friends today they seemed a little bit shocked about what I have been thinking about doing. I was really surprised by their expressions. Of course not all of them know but whatever. I'm sure as soon as I post this then they'll have a pretty good idea about what I want to do.

Anyway I was looking today for some course that I would be able to do with automotive and I found this AMAZING course that I would be able to do. It involved all of these amazing car companies that I've always wanted to be involved in and they let you do 1 year paid work experience with any of these companies. I was just like OMG OMG OMG OMG I have to go to this uni. Only one problem...IT'S IN MELBOURNE!!! Why are all the good things in Melbourne? It's so unfair. Now I don't know what to do. I have to completely go back to square one.

I really don't want to do that but I don't want to go to Melbourne either. My home is here and and all of my friends are here as well. But on the other hand I also want to chase my dreams and get into the industry that I believe is amazing. It might not be for everyone but if everone did the same thing then everything would be horribly boring. Plus if everyone was suppose to stick to the "girly" professions or the more "manly" professions then nothing would have changed since the 1900's. It's unfair how some people still think that men and woman should stick to the jobs that they were "designed" to do but what about the woman that are designed to become macanics or the men that are designed to be childcare works (it was the first thing I thought of)? How are they able to find something they are passionate about it if they are being resticted by societies views of what type of jobs they should do. Men and women can do anything they want and any profession they want to do. I just don't want people to judge me because of what I want to do when I graduate. I don't think I could handle being told that I shouldn't be doing something that I love. That would just be cruel.

Wow I can't believe I said all of those things. Anyway I shall be going now to doing something other than ramble...

(My post title really has nothing to do with the subject it's just something that my friends said today ;P)

The Awkward Moment When Someone You thought Hated You Comes Back Into Your Life

Ok so I thought that today was going to be normal and don't get me wrong it was. It was a good normal day until I got home went on fb and I had a friend request waiting. It was from a girl I knew in primary school. Now I'll give you a little background info about why this is so weird because it really doesn't sound weird but believe me when I tell it is.

Ok so I had this friend back in primary school and I thought we were pretty good friends. Then she told me not tell anyone that we were friends because it'll make her look like she was uncool. I mean I didn't have any friends, I was a loner and then she came along and she was the first real "friend" I had. It's not like we were any different from each other. We were the top sports people in our school and represented the school for everything and beat every other school in the process so it's not like we different. It's just that she had someone to play with at lunch and I didn't.

Anyway so then the boys in our grade (hehe payne) started paying attention to me because of my sporting ability and paying less attention to her so she started saying all this shit about me to get them away from me. It didn't work but she said that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. That's when I left that school and came to my current school to start year 6

So back to the original point. She sent me a friend request this afternoon and of course I accepted in not wanting to be rude and she sends me an inbox saying how sorry she was for everything that had happened like 7+ years ago. I couldn't believe that she had actually done. That she had actually made the apology that I have waited for. We've now been talking for about 2 hours. So much has changed since then.

It's time to move on, still keep in contact and talk but move on to somethng more positive.

Oh The Hell That Is My Life

I felt the need to blog today as I have not in a while and for the fact that I have been told some really bad news today...

That bad news would be that the guy who I wanted to go to the formal with has just heard back from the girl who he asked and she said yes. FML!!!!!!!!!!! Not only that, it was the way he told me by wrapping his arms around me and whispering in my ear that she had said yes. WHAT TYPE OF WAY IS THAT OF TELLING SOMEONE???????? Please tell me I would love to know. This is probably a good time to mention that the guy is Doug

The thing is that everyone was sure that she would say no, even Doug thought she would say no. When he told me I was in shock and he could see it on my face by the way he looked at me. He could see that I wasn't happy for him. I just went really quiet and withdrawn from everything. I have a habit of doing this when something is bothering me or I'm upset about something. In this case I was both of these things. It's not a good feeling when the guy you wanted to go with has someone else. It makes it worse when that guy has made it his "mission" to find someone for you.

A lot of people are trying to get me to go with another guy in our grade but I don't really want to go with him. There's nothing wrong with him, I just want to go with a guy that I actually talk to a lot and someone that I'm actually friends with him and that's just not this guy. People are just pressuring me into sonething that I really don't want to do. I just want to make my own decision and not have anyone making them for me. I'm not a child I can think for myself but people just don't seem to think that. 

What a way to end a school term with Doug not talking to me, almost crying in drama and crying on the bus because of what has happened during the day. I just want to have the freedom of making my own choices and not having anyone else have any imput into them. Only me. Plus I do want to go to the formal with a guy and have a great night with him but I just don't see how that is going to happen because at the moment I don't have any male friends. I also feel so stupid for putting faith in Doug. He has failed me so many times and now he has done it again.

He did tell me that he would be asking her and that he never thought that she would say yes. I put my faith in to someone that can't be trusted with someone else's feelings and I fell for it again.

Now I just have to find someone amazing to go with but I think I've run out of amazing people in my life. I guess I'll just have to see what will happen....

The Problem With Today Was You

Today was suppose to be the best day ever. Instead it was one of the worse days as I had this sudden hatred for the male species. I couldn't stand anyone male. It was so weird because it only started when Doug came and started talking to me this morning, he wasn't talking to me about anything import but I was really dismissive of him. Then other guys that are my friends were talking to me and I really didn't want to talk to them either.

I really can't explain the feeling of not wanting anything to do with anyone who was a guy. I've never felt that kind of hatred before but I did today. It all started getting worse when Doug was constantly asking me what was wrong and why I wasn't talking to him. I couldn't really say to him "Oh nothing I just hate your gender today." No I couldn't say that to him so all I did say was nothing and hoped that he would leave it alone...he didn't. Plus in Bio another male friend of mine....lets call him old man kept asking me what I was doing in spare and if I could help him with his Drama assignment, I mean no offense to him but his drama assignment is really boring to me and I didn't want to spend anytime with males today so I told him that drama was really boring and I didn't want to do drama in spare.

Then in spare Doug was already at a table and I sat at a different table because as you already know males yeah whatever, anyway, so I sat with my three best friends in the world and had a really good spare. I felt really confortable for the first time today and it was really good to just laugh and have fun.

The rest of the day was really meh with Doug constantly staring at me during spare and maths like he was seeing if I was really fine with everything but I knew he knew that I was acting differently to when I was with me and when I was the girls.

So yeah hopefully tomorrow will be better and I won't be hating every guy I see.

Peace out bloggers....

Ewww...Sickness

Sickness is really not a fun thing. I really find it amazing how I've spent most of the day in bed only semi-awake and not really knowing what has been happening in the outside world. It's only until about half an hour ago that I actually felt well enough to come out of my room only to lay down on the couch in front of the TV.

I am so tired. So tired of all the assignments that teachers keep giving us and then they take us out of school on excursion. Not that I'm complaining about that. I'm not, it's just that they said at the start of the year that they were going to try and make this a "fun" year and that they'll try not to put too much pressure on us. But the amount of pressure they have already put on us is insane. I know that a number of friends have multipul assignments for the same subject and then other teachers are putting more assignments on top of those other assignments.

Ewww all of this is making me kinda depressed. Well there is one thing to kinda look forward to. The fact that our school is going to be on national TV tomorrow and one of my best friends [Phantomess] is going to be interviewed for the thing. Hahahaha good luck darling, hopefully we'll all the there with you so that you won't be all by yourse;f and won't mess anything up. You'll be wonderful I know that you will be :D

Oh well I feel like dping sp,e homewprk now because I feel kinda guilty staying home today even though I was dying this morning.

Good-Bye my fellow bloggers and hopefully I'll see you all tomorrow